I have managed to keep myself quiet all month. Not even Lauren has done so well.
Do you know what today is? It is Damien Rice Day! (Is anyone thinking of Empire Records' Rex Manning Day? It's not quite the same - I won't be bringing him lunch, offering myself to him, or having sex on a copy-machine.)
I am so excited! And if I had any money I'd repeat my previous offer. However, I've dropped so many shifts lately that I am broke! So I'll just enjoy the show tonight.
Warning: Hormones not currently regulated – Unstable material within.
Last night I was honestly thinking of how I wished that I were a woman who looked right when not made up. Today I read the following at What the Duck:
Increasingly I notice there is dirt under my fingernails. Not surprisingly. I am outside a lot digging in the dirt. Truly! But it makes me think of other things. Like when I will become a woman who cares about her appearance? That means: when will I consistently wear hand lotion? I have dry hands with a lot of texture that really demand moisture. I never listen to my hands (or nails, for that matter). When I will get a hairstyle and pay for a cut, like every six weeks or whatever? When will all of my little white hairs get out of control enough for me to want to do something about them? When will I start wearing make-up? Is 27 too old to start!? Will I ever pierce my ears? Will my wardrobe ever consist of career-wear? Will I ever have a signature scent? I refer to myself a lot as a girl's girl, but I am not a woman's woman. I suck at career womanhood. I am not that woman. But I don't want to look 16 forever.
Once upon a time Lauren sent me a quote that she had seen posted someplace else that is credited to Tom Robbins. I love Tom Robbins, and the quote is basically my mission statement.
"If you believe in peace, act peacefully; if you believe in love, acting lovingly; if you believe every which way, then act every which way, that's perfectly valid— but don't go out trying to sell your beliefs to the system. You end up contradicting what you profess to believe in, and you set a bum example. If you want to change the world, change yourself."
~ Tom Robbins ~
I had to copy this:
to post on Lauren's blog.
Anyone see something a little strange about that verification word?
Last night I went to Gingerman with my friend Paul. I've only been there once before, on his birthday, so I knew it would be okay with him, and they have an awesome selection, so it was the place to be.
I don't go out too often. Especially some place so downtown on a Friday. Downtown is stupid busy, with drunk pedestrians, careless pedi-cabs, indifferent cabbies, sometimes horses with carts and cops everywhere.
I took 4th street last night, which I have never done after dark. Right out in front of the bar was a cop, lights blazing. I was stopped at the light and trying to figure out 1) what was going on at the bar, 2) where I was supposed to go around him. Apparently I was in a turn lane? I had no idea, I was too busy worrying about the effect the cop up there was going to have on my life. So I went straight in a turn lane. Guess what effect that cop had on my life... yeah. He motioned me over right away. I had not seen the "clearly displayed sign," honestly. I was genuinely confused as to why I'd been pulled over. Which he noted. But where is my insurance. In that mess on my floor-boards?
Cop: "You do have insurance?"
The Q: "Oh, yeah. It's in here somewhere... on the floor maybe? As you can tell, Officer, I keep a very clean vehicle."
Cop: (chuckles) "On the floor? 'Cause that's a good place for it."
The Q: "If I give up, and save both of us time, I can have a citation cleared with proof of insurance, right?"
Cop: "Yeah just (blah, blah, blah...)"
The Q: "That's fine. We'll be here all night otherwise."
I miss Lauren SO MUCH. She's been in Costa Rica for a week, and it has taken all that is in me not to leave her a daily voice mail. There has only been one - on Saturday - that told her that I missed her. I may have told her that I wouldn't make it to Monday with out hearing from her. I'm not sure, but it's not like she was going to call me anyway.
She comes back today! I AM SO HAPPY! I have things a week old to tell her, I wonder if I'll tell them right?
Sunday, October 15th, 2006
She looked great, despite the ridiculous humidity and threatening rain/clouds at her outdoor wedding. It all went off without a hitch. I drank her share of the champagne.
He says he loves me....
And doesn't he look nice (not counting the look on his face concerning my affection)? We went shopping the night before. My mom made him dance with me later.
Lauren says this is her favorite picture. It would be mine if there were not vehicles in it. Me + empty parking lot + trees + sky = eerie cool version of this picture. Now who could get into illustrator and make that happen...? Maybe get rid of the telephone pole behind my head too.
All of these photos, and more, can be found on Lauren's Flickr account. Thanks for letting me use them LK, even though I didn't ask first.
When The Q has a hangover it's not so bad. Not good, but tolerable.
I woke up Sunday morning after getting a head start of my celebrations after work Saturday. It was one of those rousings where it takes a second to register where you are. I was at Mr. Adventure's, though he was in Ft. Worth visiting his family. I had parked my car there the night before so that Lauren could drive, and was too drunk when she dropped me back off at my truck to drive, so I went up to Mr. A's room and went to sleep. I woke up at 8 am, still in my going out clothes, wearing one very big, very broken, earring with drool-crust on my cheek.
Alcohol is so chic.
I went to Target to buy clothes to wear to the Q's-birthday/father's day breakfast because I was running late. After I bought clothes I stepped into their restroom to wash my face and change clothes. I had interacted with about 6 people prior to stepping into the Target bathroom and looking at myself to see drool crust on my cheek. It was so incredibly visible that it showed up on the weather radar images of space.
Couldn't one of them have said something?
Lauren's dad turned 50 this weekend. When I was in high school Lauren and I used to attend these huge parties he would have out on his land. He revived it this year and we went to celebrate with him. Here is photo documentation of our night. Enjoy!
I said, "Let's take a sober picture soon!" We each cracked open a bottle of Evolution upon arrival. At this point we've only been there about 15 minutes.
The little ones crashed early, and the black icing on the cake made it look as if everyone's teeth were rotting out of their skulls.
We're sitting in the back of my truck eating veggies and hummus. Yum - snow peas and broccoli and hummus, Oh my!
One bottle down. BOTH Lauren and I have had one bottle. Maybe we've been there a couple of hours?
We are having too much fun. I have six pictures from this short amount of time. We had gone looking for berries, but they were all too tart. You can barely see my tent back there.
Intermission! We had to move under the big tent because of the rain. No worries! The band they had going was great. I thought these chairs really fit in at the Red Neck Round-Up.
The end of bottle No. 2. Lauren and I split it. Some where along the way we lost our plastic cups.
This was taken right before I stumbled off to my tent about 10 pm. Lauren and Kyle have really beautiful tattoos. I wish the photo wasn't so dark so that they would show up better.
I never wrote about Mr. New Orleans. He was one off the guys I met via the personal ad. He was 40, but I gave it a chance, because this is time for me to see what's out there, right? We met at the Continental Club on a Sunday night for drinks. There was live music, and it was nice. We talked about moving around, food industry stuff, and life in general. Finally on drink three I am dying for a cigarette, and we both go outside. He is a non-smoker though, so I am surprised when he asks to see my lighter so that he can light a joint there, behind the club, which faces a street with people on it. Honestly, marijuana doesn't bother me. Smoking it in a very public place does. ESPECIALLY when I'm not even given the courtesy of a check to make sure it's cool. So much for that one. It was a little weird to hang out like that with someone only slightly younger than my father.
Mr. M is the guy I went out with on Thursday. He is very attractive, very funny, nice and well traveled. We talked for a bit after Lauren and Kyle left, but there was no spark. I didn't feel like we could have gone on talking for hours and hours. So I guess I had nothing to feel bad about.
A guess the lack of writing has caught up with me. There are now about 700 things I feel like writing about.
Work was so frustrating today that it was like nails on a chalkboard to be there. To top that off I was especially un-graceful, dropping trays (at least they were empty) and sloshing tea onto tables when I re-filled glasses. I managed to talk my boss into letting me go early, and that turned the whole day around. I went and bought hair dye. Coloring my hair always makes me feel good. I guess it makes me feel feminine and pretty, even if it's always the same color. I bought nail polish too, mainly because it was there. I stopped in a the liquor store next door to look for Sofia Minis, that Madge posted about, and he sent me to another near by. It happened to be on the way to my next errand, so of course I stopped and bought some. I was so excited it rubbed off on the woman working there. Or maybe she was mocking me? Whatever.
Now I'm home, thinking about when I'll go to the farm and feed. And feeling.. guilty?
Guilty is right. I don't know if it's what I should be feeling now, but it is what it is. Here's why: About a month ago Lauren told me about this guy she knows. She had worked with him when we lived together, and had run into him again. She wanted me to meet him, because she thought we'd be great together. So of course I agreed. Things were already not looking so promising with Mr. Ambitious, no matter how hard I tried to see the ever shrinking bright side, and I was getting lonely. The way things work out today is the first day our timing has worked out. I kind of don't want to meet him now. I like what I have going, I like Mr. Adventure, and I don't want to mess it up. I'm afraid I will.
On the other hand, if he and I would be so compatible, I can't say no. God knows I need friends. That and my intense superstition tells me that he showed up in Lauren's life that day for a reason. (That looks much less intelligent on the screen that it feels.)
So I am sort of back and forth today. Up and down. Who knows what adding alcohol to the mix will do?
Shifting back to "down:" Whenever I talk to Ex #1 I always let him say whatever he needs to say. I don't defend myself, or deflect his blows, I just let him say anything. I like to think that this will be beneficial and help him through it. I am normally not bothered by what he says, I guess I feel like I deserve a lot of it. There is one thing though. He wrote me an e-mail one day, that crossed the line.
"I have had the thought pop up in my head that you should have died in the car accident and Janet should have lived. She didn't deserve it. And I would have a much nicer memory of you now."
And he ended the e-mail by telling me that he loved me?
I believe that the "celestial powers that be" made a mistake in taking Janet. But was it a mistake to leave me here? Surely I have made some sort of positive difference in someone's life in the past six months?
I re-read this sentence in my mind's eye at least once a day. It makes me feel awful, and solidifies the fact that Ex #1 and I will never get back together. I can't feel like I am in a loving relationship with someone who once wished my death.
Let's do this time-line style!
6:35 pm - I'm at home talking with Mr. Adventure discussing what we should do. We decide to go to Kerby Lane Cafe, meeting between 7:15 and 7:30.
6:45 pm - I am still talking to him, realize that I need to leave or I'll be late. This is the norm for me.
7:03 pm - Oh yeah, I'm gonna be late. I am still in P-ville, buying cigarettes.
7:30-something pm - I arrive and he's waiting outside, already has us on the list. Very nice. We're both wearing Pea Coats! It's bitter cold.
Whatever five minutes later is - We have a table very close to other tables. The hostess looks like Jennifer.
9:00 pm - We are finished eating, and outside smoking - cold and shivering. He invites me over, and despite the sound of my mother's voice in my head screaming, "NO!" I said, "Okay, but I don't normally do this. I also don't ever let anyone see my car, or know where I work, but I've already broken those rules." I get into the car and call Lauren. Let her know where I'm going, what is name is and what his phone number is. I can't believe I'm doing this...
9:20 pm - We've made it to his apartment and I'm meeting his roommate's girlfriend, who is very inviting and talkative. We spend the next two hours chatting and smoking. I meet 'Cool' the neighborhood cat. Orange Tabbies are my favorite.
Almost midnight - "Want to watch a movie?" We watch Labyrinth and make fun of Jennifer Connelly's eyebrows, quoting and singing all the way. More people show up.
2:00 am - I need to go home! It's so late! Crap, I bet the roads are frozen.. He walks me to my car, though he's only only wearing socks and no jacket. He gives me a hug (like a gentleman) and says good bye. I go to leave, very pleased with the whole evening and my windshield is frozen! So I sit in my very cold car for a while, while it defrosts.
2:30 am - I haven't made it very far. The upper deck is closed and wrecks wreak havoc on 35. The drunks are out too. Yay.
3:00 am - Finally home. I send him a text message letting him know I made it, he sends one back, apologizing for springing friends on me, for fear it is too much like meeting parents. I tell him he doesn't have to wait three days to call.
Hmm...
Why did no one tell me when I left Ex #1 that everyone was getting married or involved?
Don't take this the wrong way- I am not looking for a boyfriend. Right now I am satisfied with attraction.
Half of my class from PHS is married or engaged. The guy I had hopes for a date with is seeing someone.
None of this is going right. That guy I had agreed to meet that my mom knows? Her friend, who was supposed to set things up, is leaving the law firm next week.
I am not going back to UT this semester. I missed my deadline.
Most ridiculous thing ever?
I was at CVS today to buy cigarettes, and I thought it might be nice to walk down the Valentine isle to see if I could find something for Lauren or Sara.
Toward the end I saw a row of prayer candles. I LOVE prayer candles. I have quite a few. So I picked it up to see what it was about.
"San Ramon" - one I had never seen. Even better.
So I flipped the candle over to read the prayer on the back :
Prayer to Saint
Raymond
Glorious Saint Raymond, venerate
protector of the angels that come to
this world: Guard of the souls that
through the maternal lap come to this valley
of tears. I commit myself to
your perfect and divine kindness. Kneeling at your
feet I come to beg your
protection and help with this painful time
that I must suffer
in this my existence. Amen. (Make your petition)
I just want to know whose idea it was to put the horrible thing on the Valentine isle. Sure it has red and pink on it but come on, "help with this painful time that I must suffer in this my existence?" That is enough to make me want to lock my self in my room until Feb. 15th. SO I bought it. How was I going to pass up a sick and twisted, horribly placed prayer candle? So thank you Reed Candle Co. from San Antonio, TX, for having created this candle in 1975, and re-releasing it in 2002 so that I might discover it in the CVS in 2006.
Lauren says that she knows that the following can be counted on:
You die.
You pay taxes.
Gay men love cocaine.
This was proven tonight at RAIN, a gay bar we went to watch the season premier of The L Word, where a nice young gay men approached us and asked if we knew where he could find any cocaine. After he got a safe distance away Lauren and I lost our shit and nearly laughed until we cried, because Lauren has always stood by these truths.
My days have been back and forth. Ex #1 and I are still living together, still sleeping in the same room. I don't want to miss out on taking advantage of all of the things I love about him. We've been getting along really well. His new roommate is moving in already, and that is hard, but it just makes me want to get out of there more.
I almost changed my mind tonight, for a while it seemed like we could fix things. He started counseling today, and when he came home we talked and he said a lot of things he should have said months ago. If he had it might have changed everything. Instead all it did was confuse me, and I told him that, and it made me angry at him. I told him that too.
When I left the house to come up to school I called Lauren to have her remind me why I was leaving. I told her everything and she said, "I think it's great that he's working on these things, but one session isn't going to fix it. Be his friend and help him learn, and when it is all over, maybe there will be a chance for a relationship. But if it took you breaking up with him for him to see things this way, the best place for you is apart from him."
I am going to miss him so much.
Tonight we talked about how much it sucks to be an adult, and responsible for shit. After a few minutes he said, "Well, at least we get to stay up late, and watch TV. Oooh, and drink beer in bed!" And I laugh-cried because I will miss him, and I know exactly what he is talking about.
To add to my list of stresses, my car was broken into today, and the asshole stole my back pack with everything I need for papers due this week. One is due tonight at midnight, but I got an okay to turn it in tomorrow, with a copy of the police report.
There are only two things I wish I could do right now - go to sleep, and see my horse. I think I am going to go home and work on the first one.
Thank all of you who have commented, it means a lot to me. I know we all go through it, it just sucks.
Well... no work done yet. I've caught up on just about everyone. R.E.M. was mentioned in one of my friend's livejournals, and now I ache for UT campus ~60 degrees and headphones on. I am wondering how long I'll be so totally homesick, or if I ever leave Dallas will I miss it? That is hard to believe. I think that Autumn in general makes me nostalgic and lonely. A more golden, less glaring sun makes me want to ride my horse, and wrap up in a blanket on my dad's couch to watch Law & Order all night.
The impending weather (Kids, this is Texas. It may look like Thanksgiving outside, but that is because it is 105 degrees outside and all of the plants are fried, not dormant.) actually makes me miss working at the hotel. I've actually considered going back to nights recently, just because the restaurant sucks so bad. I miss the solitude, and the joy of not having to deal with so many people. If I have one more woman old enough to be my mother wave her arm around in the air at me and shout, "Hey!" across the restaurant, I might just disintegrate into a pile of ashes in black clothing on the Persian rugs in the dining room. Or if one more SMU sorority bitch turns to me, right after I bring her the "just water" she asked for, while my arms are so full of dishes that I am trying to hold away from my body to keep that dressing off of my clothes and keep that steak knife from hitting another customer when you ask me for diet coke - CAN'T YOU SEE I AM A LITTLE BUSY????
I want to go home. I even wonder some times if I could do it all again, would I tell Ex. #1 over the phone, the night we decided to live together, that I would move here? That he shouldn't have to quit his job? Or would I tell him to come back to Austin, work at the country club again. Live where I am happy and stable and content. The most important friends I have - Lauren, Samantha, Ellie, Katie T. - are all in Austin, but I can't go back and see them now for all of the important things because now I have obligations in Dallas just for living here. Thanksgiving and Christmas at Katie's? With Mike's fire pit and so much delicious beer... Oh, I need that. I am anticipating the expectations Ex. #1's family will have for me to share the holidays with them but I will have to be in Austin, I'll be back the next day for work, I promise.
Maybe I'm a horrible person, but I like my dogs, and I want to be able to keep them both alive. So when the dog fighting continued, including a fight the other night that required both me and Ex. #1 to pull apart, his feet on Emma's chest, me pulling her jaws apart to make her release Millie, I knew that we had to do something. I called Sam in tears and she offered to take Millie for a while, but I knew that Ex. #1's heart would be broken. Last night I was telling my friend Lauren about it when Ex. #1 said "We should just muzzle Emma." THAT'S IT! He bought a nice soft nylon muzzle and it has pretty much stopped the problem. Emma doesn't have to wear it all of the time, but she does have to wear it when she's going to be around Millie. So far she has tried to bite Millie twice, and both times it has stopped her as soon as she could get her mouth open. Until I can find some training this'll do.
When we come home Ex. #1 says, "Are the lambs crying Emma?"
OR we talk about her ninja moves, because it's black and covers her face like a ninja's.
Is this bad?
I can feel the tears sneaking in with my PMS.
All started out really well here. As the week has continued I have applied for 4 jobs, and I have not received so much as a second look from anyone hiring at any of the places. Did you know that the people at Whole Foods SCOFF at you when you ask about the positions they are hiring for? I wanted to spit back, "Look Bitch, you once stood at this computer too, so treat me like a person. After all, you only work in a GROCERY STORE, not Tiffany's." But instead I smiled as convincingly as I could and stood at the computer to apply for a cashier's job as people walked by me and made me feel incredibly awkward. It was like everyone who walked by knew I was unemployed and it made me a bad person. What happened to the days when people tried to recruit me?
Today I tried to apply for a job as a receptionist at a car dealership. I got up, took a shower, got dressed and put on make up, even fixed my hair. When I go in to apply for a job I picture myself working there, to get me motivated, and to try and assume what difficulties might arise. I looked up directions online and called to ask what might be the best time to come by, so as not to be in the way, and the job was already filled. I was so sure that this would be the job I would get that I even quit worrying for 1/2 an hour. I was totally deflated.
So I've been at Ex. #1's parent's house again today- doing laundry. I am getting sick of cleaning and having no where to go. I'm tired of being domestic (already) because of this lack of other things to be. If I have to fold another pair of 28" waist pants I think I'll have to go and throw up, because I've got a good six inches on him. Even if I am walking the dogs farther and farther every day I am not slimming down as I assumed I would once I was beyond the most stressful things.
And he's been great. He has had to work a lot, but he's been compensating whenever possible, helping pay for things the are unnecessary, and totally here for me. But still I miss Lauren, who sent me a text message yesterday saying the same, and I am worried about my Dad in Israel, and I miss Faux Pas, and I still haven't worked anything out, and I didn't really get to spend any time with him before I left but maybe ten minutes while Ex. #1 and the dogs waited in he car. He must hate me for not ever being around. I think I am going to go and see him first on Wednesday. I miss him so much, and Everything would be SO MUCH easier for me if he were here.
Lauren and I went out last night and spent hours at Magnolia trying to get the host/busser who was incredibly cute to come to our table and take care of us. We were trying to do it subtly and not giggle. Once we failed we left a note (like high schoolers) that said "I <3 your busser" and then sat in the car waiting and watching for someone to clean off our table. Our waiter brought the busser over and he smiled (?) It was kind of hard to tell, we were driving away. It was such stupid girl fun. We went back to Lauren's house for margaritas and online shopping. We're thinking of doing it again next Friday, incase he's there. Dumb.
When I got home at 5am I went frantically rummaging through that drawer in my nightstand that I believe every girl has. Apparently I left some things out and my dad came in today to talk to me about god knows what and I realized that there was a book on the floor that I didn't want him to see. I tried to keep him talking but alas, I failed, and when I had turned to glance at my screen for one second I hear, "Sex Tips ?!?" Ugh! Reason #2 to move out. He was staring down at this book and I kept saying, "Please don't look at that!! Stop!" but he thought it was too funny. Two occasions in 12 hours to blush over.
