December 20, 2004

I can feel the tears sneaking in with my PMS.

All started out really well here. As the week has continued I have applied for 4 jobs, and I have not received so much as a second look from anyone hiring at any of the places. Did you know that the people at Whole Foods SCOFF at you when you ask about the positions they are hiring for? I wanted to spit back, "Look Bitch, you once stood at this computer too, so treat me like a person. After all, you only work in a GROCERY STORE, not Tiffany's." But instead I smiled as convincingly as I could and stood at the computer to apply for a cashier's job as people walked by me and made me feel incredibly awkward. It was like everyone who walked by knew I was unemployed and it made me a bad person. What happened to the days when people tried to recruit me?

Today I tried to apply for a job as a receptionist at a car dealership. I got up, took a shower, got dressed and put on make up, even fixed my hair. When I go in to apply for a job I picture myself working there, to get me motivated, and to try and assume what difficulties might arise. I looked up directions online and called to ask what might be the best time to come by, so as not to be in the way, and the job was already filled. I was so sure that this would be the job I would get that I even quit worrying for 1/2 an hour. I was totally deflated.

So I've been at Ex. #1's parent's house again today- doing laundry. I am getting sick of cleaning and having no where to go. I'm tired of being domestic (already) because of this lack of other things to be. If I have to fold another pair of 28" waist pants I think I'll have to go and throw up, because I've got a good six inches on him. Even if I am walking the dogs farther and farther every day I am not slimming down as I assumed I would once I was beyond the most stressful things.

And he's been great. He has had to work a lot, but he's been compensating whenever possible, helping pay for things the are unnecessary, and totally here for me. But still I miss Lauren, who sent me a text message yesterday saying the same, and I am worried about my Dad in Israel, and I miss Faux Pas, and I still haven't worked anything out, and I didn't really get to spend any time with him before I left but maybe ten minutes while Ex. #1 and the dogs waited in he car. He must hate me for not ever being around. I think I am going to go and see him first on Wednesday. I miss him so much, and Everything would be SO MUCH easier for me if he were here.

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