Sorry for the absence, but the holidays are crazy. Casey's moving, and only came back into town on Tuesday, so I am spending a lot of time with him.

I got as message today from Ex. #1 telling me that his mom is in the hospital with Ovarian cancer. I am not sure what I am supposed to do.

So here is something funny and light hearted:





Here's the sequel, I found it later.

Just a couple of things:

In response to my own complaint, I narc-ed out last night. Before I got a chance to go running, before I had a chance to see CSI, before I had a chance to finish my post on Maternal Mortality/Morbidity. That will be posted this afternoon, hopefully along with one on Genital Mutilation.

Did I ever tell you about my photo problem?
No?
Well, I have about 250 of Ex #1's photos on my computer, and he wants them back. Problem is, I don't have a burner on my computer, and no good way to load them onto something to take them to school and use one of those computers and email is slow. I am not spending money to get these pictures to him. 1) I don't have any. 2) He should have taken them off before I moved if it were some important. SO I finally realized I could just create a Flickr account for him. Now I am wondering why it took ME so long to think of that.

After doing some browsing of NaBloPoMo blogs, I am changing my template. I love this one, but so does everyone else. Mr. A and I are going to work together to make me a new one. "Awww..." SO look forward to it.

Also, go check out the NaBloPoMo randomizer on my sidebar.

I'm off to sling fried food for 4 hours, and then answer phone for another four. At least I'll have some money at the end of the day.

I already have a huge project planned for December. Call me crazy.

A pound of flesh

If anyone is in need of one I have been leaving them about UT campus.

Okay, not quite, but -holy crap! I am losing weight fast!

I'm thinking tapeworm :)

I've lost 15lbs since school started, at what I know is not a healthy rate. I can't complain too much though because I'VE LOST 15 LBS! I'm inching closer and closer to what I weighed on "the misery diet" when Ex #1 and I "took a break" three years ago.

My goal is to lose another 13 lbs. I am more than half-way to my overall goal. This is what happens when you quit working at an Italian restaurant, and start walking 3-5 miles a day around a 'rolling' campus. It also helps a tone that I am not eating late every night.

I've also picked up a riding schedule - MWF mornings. Just half an hour or so until Faux Pas is in better shape - then we'll increase. My sister and I started running last night. I know, at this point who's to say I'll stick with it? But I have a training plan picked out from RunTex , and I'd like to run a 5K. Sara and I are thinking December. The coolest part is that I never got a stich in my side, and never collapsed is a hyperventalating ball of pain - none of the things I am used to when it comes to increased activity. I did some hard-core thinking about breathing, and Sara and I moved pretty slow, but we moved.

I'm sorry you guys are having to miss out on so much. If I had a laptop I'd post more... I don't so I'll just have to try harder.

I can't help it!

1. How does the world see you? Renee is Crying - Luna Does this mean I complain too much?
2. Will I have a happy life? Shelter - Ray LaMontagne Not so promising.
3. How do my friends see me? 2 Sisters Drunk on Each Other - Califone iTunes must know that Ex #1 said I am an alcholic!
4. Do people secretly lust after me? Two Dolphins - The Sea and Cake Umm...
5. How can I make myself happy? Head South - Modest Mouse Well, I did make it to Austin!
6. What should I do with my life? Mystery God - Fat John Thanks, iTunes.
7. Will I have children? Body Language - Fat John but the next song is One - Califone Neither really has any lyrics. I'm not sure what to make of it.
8. What is some good advice for me? Extraordinary Machine - Fiona Apple Okay...
9. How will I be remembered? Candy - Morphine
10. What is my signature dancing song? Fevered - The Stills
11. What do I think my signature song is? Till the End of Time - Perry Como
12. What does everyone else think my signature song is? The Ravine - The Sea and Cake
13. What song will play at my funeral? Space Travel is Boring - Modest Mouse
14.What kind of women do I like? Yesterday Never Tomorrows - The Stills
15. What will my day be like? Besides - Stick and Chester's Destiny Chorus

A Lack of Silence

When I first met Ex #1 I was very involved in ASL. I was still taking classes in the interpreting program at ACC, I could walk up to any deaf person and have an intelligent conversation, and I was still planning to go to graduate school for Deaf Ed.

My current ASL skills are that of a second semester student (SUCK!), and I get nervous and sign things wrong or my hands shake like a plastic tarp on a windy day.

When Ex #1 came to pick up his money and drop off my buffet he told me that one of my Deaf* customers from the restaurant had come in looking for me. She had wanted to offer me a job. I don't know if this is true or not, but if it is I am disappointed. There is little I would like more than to get back into ASL and the Deaf community.

Mr. Adventure did not know me back when I was so passionate about so many things. I am still passionate about quite a few, but I sleep more now, so I learn and do less. I think that because he hasn't witnessed that part of me, he doesn't realize how important it is to me. He knows that I know sign, and that I occasionally eaves drop on his Deaf neighbor, but that's about it.

The other night we drove past the Texas School for the Deaf and he said, "Hey, you could go there." At one time this was my professional goal. I wanted to be able to teach at TSD. I wanted to help Deaf students improve reading levels so that they could go anywhere and read anything.** I told him this and he said, "Huh, I guess you really like Sign Language then. What is it about it that you like?"

And I had the HARDEST time explaining it. So I think I'll try again.

ASL is the most expressive language I have ever seen. It's beautiful, it's honest. It's total body communication (except for your ears, of course). There are signs that communicate an idea that would take an entire sentence to convey. If you don't know a sign for something, you can show someone what you mean through mime. It's almost like acting, and the story telling is so much fun to do, or to watch. Most importantly, it made sense to me immediately. I have never grasped a language so thoroughly or so quickly. Hell, I've been working in restaurants for 5 years and I still don't know kitchen Spanish.

I miss ASL a lot. I am half considering just going back to ACC to get certified to interpret, think about returning to UT later. I miss the quickness of hand and eye I used to have. The grace it gave me. I miss leaving class and feeling like I had to maintain my silence.

I miss the silence a lot.

* Deaf with a capital "D" signifies someone culturally deaf, not just a person with a hearing impairment. A hearing child of Deaf adults could possibly be "Deaf."

** Deaf adults statistically have a very low reading level. Some theorize that this is due to the lack of a base language early in life. Hearing loss is being detected earlier and earlier, but still ASL is not based on English. It has a completely different sentence structure, and there is, as with any language, not always a direct translation. This can make communication between Deaf and hearing people very difficult, and can make comprehension of reading material difficult as well. I wanted to help the people who needed help in this area, because I am a book lover, and can't imagine not being able to read what ever I wanted.

Boo Hiss Ex Bad

I AM SO MAD.

Ex #1 called the other day and told me that if I would give him the $1,600 I owe him he would bring me my buffet this week when he comes down for SXSW. Originally I told him that there was no way he'd get that money from me. He'd only get $200 a month like we had agreed.

I talked to my parents about it. My Dad told me he didn't want me at home alone while Ex #1 was in town, so I made arrangements to stay else where. I found a way to get the money.

Ex #1 called again today and said that he had something he had to do in Denton on Thursday, so he wouldn't be able to stay but Wednesday night. He wanted to sleep on my couch. I said a resounding, "No." Which really upset him, but I didn't want to tell him that I was afraid of him. I told him that I didn't know what to expect from him anymore. I told him that we can't even talk on the phone, why would he want to spend time here? He told me he'd sleep out in front of my house, in his truck. I said, "No." again. I offered to help him find a place to sleep, but he'd have none of it. Honestly, I don't know how comfortable I am with the idea of being here alone while I get my buffet, but I don't really have a choice.

I told him that after this I am not going to communicate with him anymore. He told me that he loved me, and that he has nothing but good will for me. He also said that when I found the good person he knows still exists inside me he hoped that, for my sake, he is still around. That when all of this "darkness" passes he hopes I can still find him.

I let him know that all of his talk about our future, and all of the questions he asks me make me really angry. The "What did I do?" questions, which I have answered before:

"You told me that if I was going to live with you post break up I'd have to continue to put out."
"You looked for and read my diary and then confronted me about it because you were mad at me for what I had written."

And so on.

That good person still exists. She's just tired of being stepped on, and kicked and told that she'd not a good person because she did something for herself finally. And she's sticking to it. And she's happier.

A guess the lack of writing has caught up with me. There are now about 700 things I feel like writing about.

Work was so frustrating today that it was like nails on a chalkboard to be there. To top that off I was especially un-graceful, dropping trays (at least they were empty) and sloshing tea onto tables when I re-filled glasses. I managed to talk my boss into letting me go early, and that turned the whole day around. I went and bought hair dye. Coloring my hair always makes me feel good. I guess it makes me feel feminine and pretty, even if it's always the same color. I bought nail polish too, mainly because it was there. I stopped in a the liquor store next door to look for Sofia Minis, that Madge posted about, and he sent me to another near by. It happened to be on the way to my next errand, so of course I stopped and bought some. I was so excited it rubbed off on the woman working there. Or maybe she was mocking me? Whatever.

Now I'm home, thinking about when I'll go to the farm and feed. And feeling.. guilty?

Guilty is right. I don't know if it's what I should be feeling now, but it is what it is. Here's why: About a month ago Lauren told me about this guy she knows. She had worked with him when we lived together, and had run into him again. She wanted me to meet him, because she thought we'd be great together. So of course I agreed. Things were already not looking so promising with Mr. Ambitious, no matter how hard I tried to see the ever shrinking bright side, and I was getting lonely. The way things work out today is the first day our timing has worked out. I kind of don't want to meet him now. I like what I have going, I like Mr. Adventure, and I don't want to mess it up. I'm afraid I will.

On the other hand, if he and I would be so compatible, I can't say no. God knows I need friends. That and my intense superstition tells me that he showed up in Lauren's life that day for a reason. (That looks much less intelligent on the screen that it feels.)

So I am sort of back and forth today. Up and down. Who knows what adding alcohol to the mix will do?

Shifting back to "down:" Whenever I talk to Ex #1 I always let him say whatever he needs to say. I don't defend myself, or deflect his blows, I just let him say anything. I like to think that this will be beneficial and help him through it. I am normally not bothered by what he says, I guess I feel like I deserve a lot of it. There is one thing though. He wrote me an e-mail one day, that crossed the line.
"I have had the thought pop up in my head that you should have died in the car accident and Janet should have lived. She didn't deserve it. And I would have a much nicer memory of you now."
And he ended the e-mail by telling me that he loved me?

I believe that the "celestial powers that be" made a mistake in taking Janet. But was it a mistake to leave me here? Surely I have made some sort of positive difference in someone's life in the past six months?

I re-read this sentence in my mind's eye at least once a day. It makes me feel awful, and solidifies the fact that Ex #1 and I will never get back together. I can't feel like I am in a loving relationship with someone who once wished my death.

Ash Wednesday

So this morning Ex #1 and I were having a text message argument.

It is my fault it began, and I should know better. It may not appear 'stern' but I know exactly how he's be saying each and every word. Except for the last sentence.

I send Ex #1 a check every month to go towards the debt we acquired from breaking our lease, and to help with taxes on the house, because I believe it is the right thing for me to do. He expected to have my help when he planned for these costs, so I want to take care of my part.
I am really bad at deadlines though, and so I usually send it the last day of the month, or the first day of the next. So here it goes:

"Are you planning on sending February's check"

"yes"

"Okay. When? Today is March 1."

"I was planning on going today, actually. How much postage should I put on the SASE?" (So that he can send me my mail. We're all very professional.)

"Don't know. Post office will tell you." (This makes me unreasonably angry. I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH MAIL THERE IS Ex #1!)

I am writing a message that says the above bold when another comes in:
"Send a big envelope, you have lots of mail." THANK YOU

a few seconds later:
"And don't forget to get your ashes."

WHAT??

Well, no riding this morning. I can only force myself awake so early. My limit is currently 7:30 am. I am hoping for tonight. I have already let my Trudy's friends know that I will not be there.

I have a bone to pick with whomever is calling the celestial shots. The past 12 months have been pretty rough for me. Anyone who reads this will back me up. Let's have a list for proof, shall we?

Sara's migraines
Jennifer's cancer and subsequent death
Janet's sudden death
Breaking up with Ex #1
Pa's sickness and subsequent death
Sara's migraines

Now: Poppy, my maternal grandfather, was picked up by EMS last night after showing extreme symptoms of heart failure. He's doing fine right now, in ICU, but it came on suddenly and out of the blue after 12 years of perfect heart health.

I think I've had enough for one year. Please, give me a break so I can get my shit together before it all falls apart again.

At this point, despite Madge's reminder, I cannot remember what all I thought I would write about. Here is what I can tell you:

I have gone out several times with the very ambitious guy who made me feel like a loser, and now I do not feel bad when I am around him.

I have been on something like a blind date with a very shy guy named Gabe, who just happens to live next door to a co-worker of mine.

I talked shit about a local bar owner to her daughter, not realizing they were related, and then didn't back down or put my foot in my mouth when I found out they were. Instead I said, "Well, this is what people are saying about your mother and the bar."

I am going to pick up Faux Pas this weekend.

My sister is back in the hospital. Let's all cross our fingers and hope that the headaches go away quickly this time.

Breakup Theory

Of course Ex #1 is trying to find out what exactly went wrong. If he can pin point the problem he will know how to fix it.
I try not to make light of this too often, however, these are my two favorite theories as to why we went wrong:

1) I am questioning my sexuality. He actually said to me, "You've seen that movie But I'm a Cheerleader.."

2)I have a drinking problem. Our whole breakup can be blamed on my desire to go out and get hammered with my friends. I lost control. Because I no longer had it some one must be exerting control over me instead. It must have been him. In this scenario he was never controlling, it was my drinking problem.

Lauren's response to number two was, "Does he even know what your name is?"

I walked into theory number two. I had just quoted a song we both know well, "If you were here I would admit that I am an asshole." - The Poison, Pedro The Lion Which is about drinking. It's true I've been drinking more, but only since I got home. I didn't drink like this in Dallas. The reason I do now is because I can't stand to be at home by myself, and every time I meet up with someone they want to go out for drinks. We are old enough to drink now, so I guess we are going to do a whole hell of a lot of it.
I could say no, and have, but in the end I am still drinking more than I did.

Lost in Prayer

Why did no one tell me when I left Ex #1 that everyone was getting married or involved?

Don't take this the wrong way- I am not looking for a boyfriend. Right now I am satisfied with attraction.

Half of my class from PHS is married or engaged. The guy I had hopes for a date with is seeing someone.

None of this is going right. That guy I had agreed to meet that my mom knows? Her friend, who was supposed to set things up, is leaving the law firm next week.

I am not going back to UT this semester. I missed my deadline.

Most ridiculous thing ever?
I was at CVS today to buy cigarettes, and I thought it might be nice to walk down the Valentine isle to see if I could find something for Lauren or Sara.
Toward the end I saw a row of prayer candles. I LOVE prayer candles. I have quite a few. So I picked it up to see what it was about.

"San Ramon" - one I had never seen. Even better.

So I flipped the candle over to read the prayer on the back :

Prayer to Saint
Raymond

Glorious Saint Raymond, venerate
protector of the angels that come to
this world: Guard of the souls that
through the maternal lap come to this valley
of tears. I commit myself to
your perfect and divine kindness. Kneeling at your
feet I come to beg your
protection and help with this painful time
that I must suffer
in this my existence. Amen. (Make your petition)

I just want to know whose idea it was to put the horrible thing on the Valentine isle. Sure it has red and pink on it but come on, "help with this painful time that I must suffer in this my existence?" That is enough to make me want to lock my self in my room until Feb. 15th. SO I bought it. How was I going to pass up a sick and twisted, horribly placed prayer candle? So thank you Reed Candle Co. from San Antonio, TX, for having created this candle in 1975, and re-releasing it in 2002 so that I might discover it in the CVS in 2006.

I missed Ex #1 today. That is, until I talked to him a few minutes ago.
He asked how I was feeling. He asks this every time we talk. I haven't changed much since Monday. I've been sleeping a lot and unpacking. I still feel the same. I feel like I have to have some different answer every time. Then he asked, "What about me?" I didn't know quite what he meant. "What about you?" I said. "How do I feel about you? How do you feel? Was I supposed to ask? I miss you still; I love you; I am angry with you for always asking me how I feel." That last part didn't go over so well. Why would it have gone over well? He got mad and asked what else we would talk about. I listed off things, but of course we talked about the fact that he can't talk to me instead.

I cigarette later he called me back to apologize, though he only said, "I sorry," and didn't explain what for. Only that I am 'so cold' when I talk to him. I told him about how shitty I felt after dinner with my friend last night, and he asked me if I blamed him for my poor performance at school. I said, "Yes, a little bit," because it's the truth. I have spent four years pouring my energy into that relationship. He even took some of the blame himself one day while we were smoking in the garage. Apparently he has changed his mind since then. When I tried to explain that all that time I spent with him should have been school time he said, "I never held a gun to your head!" Yeah? Well he held a relationship over it. That is not going to happen again. I know that I can do well. My grades have gotten progressively worse over the past four years. I have not been losing intelligence. I have been trying to sustain a relationship.

It just makes me want to yell and scream.

This May Be More Humbling Than I Thought

Last night I went to eat with a friend who has a nice little duplex off Far West. Last Summer he went on a road trip to look at the grad schools he is applying to, he's training for a bike ride to Alaska from Austin, and doing research for UT. He graduates in May.

I sounded a lot more accomplished when I was a Junior at UT and we had just purchased a home. Now I am unemployed, live with my father and a Junior at UT. The worst part? I made some glaring grammatical errors, that I was able to make fun of myself for, because I heard them too as soon as they escaped my lips, but I study English for cryin' out loud! The best I had to offer in conversation? The differences between lunch and dinner service at a place like Breadwinner's or Hyde Park Grill, and Equitation. Which I definitely spoke too much about. (I did this same think to my mother a few weeks ago on the topic of saddles. These people don't give a damn really, they were just being nice to bring it up.)

And then there was the topic of Ex #1. Honestly, it is hard not to talk about the person you spent the last year living and working with. REALLY HARD. I failed at this as well. If it had just been a girlfriend I was talking to it would have been one thing, but he is not like one of my girlfriends. Our friendship is much less intimate. He doesn't need to be bothered with stuff like that.

We finished dinner and drove back to his house and had an awkward moment at the driveway. So I thanked him for dinner, gave him a hug, and told him I'd buy next time. I got in my car to drive home feeling like a total loser.

Hey, all you guys in Austin - Call me already! I REALLY need to get out of this house.

I got in at 5 am yesterday. Had you asked me then how I felt about Ex #1, I would have told you that I never wanted to see him again.

I'd had to swing by the house to get some things I had missed the day before and to put it nicely it was a horrible idea for us to see each other. U G L Y

Yesterday he and I talked on the phone. He told me that he is getting a second roommate. A girl that we worked with is going to move in with Ex #1 and Adam in January. I am happy for him, and it makes me feel less guilty for leaving him with the financial stuff.

I am slowly moving in here. It is hard to get going. I have to get presents on a budget too, with no job! That's my focus for next week.

Pretty sad today.

Update

I am back in Austin. The last month has sucked.

If I had been outside of it I might have found it comical - Ex #1 apologizing for making it impossible to write a paper, and then the next day - once I got an extension for said paper - sitting in a chair behind me while I tried to work, crying audibly.

Apologizing for doing one thing, then immediately doing another spiteful thing, and then begging for forgiveness.

He was upset with me because I didn't cry enough.

Now everything I say has "attitude."

Then there was the really good stuff. He listened to me! After we went to Half Price Books one day, where I had searched through the games section for a scrabble game, he went out and bought one, though he has never played. He went and fed the horse for me and even said he kind of enjoyed it. he also went to watch me teach a lesson.

He told me I was beautiful when I needed to hear it, and remembered that I had said Monday that I wanted to take advantage of the Fish and Chips special at work on Friday - and brought it home for me when I didn't work that day.

I left today. I drove to Austin. I managed to only consume 4 drinks all night. Tomorrow may be different. I have to see him one more time, to get the last of the stuff.

I haven't cried about it all day. As I drove into Williamson County the cloud cover broke. Anyone superstitious? I think that is a sign.

Ex #1 hates me, and then he loves me. He keeps saying it's not fair, I know that.

My mom said that the easy thing to do would have been to just stay there, and now I wish I had. It hurts to do this to him, to watch him writhe in pain I inflicted. He said out today that I never told him I was unhappy. I did once, about a month ago. I told him that I hated Dallas, he told me he knew I wanted to leave him. He is in denial about it, he knew I wasn't happy. But that is the only time I explicitly told him. The rest of the time it seemed like there was too much other stuff going on for it to matter. First was the preparation for Jeff and Janet's wedding, and then Janet's death, and my wreck and our new house, and then school and his job change. It always seemed like it would be a nuisance to bring it up.

He is so adamant about fixing things now that I want to believe him. I want to stay. Oh, fuck I really want to stay. I want to apologize, and cry, and tell him I was all wrong, that I was just so sad that I thought doing anything would help.

I am constantly being told that my move back to Austin is impulsive and counter productive. Why don't I just get a place with a friend? I don't have to see him... Everyone I know, including Ex #1, knows that I have always planned to return to Austin if things don't work out. Alas, they did not and I am returning.

There is this tradition at work, where you get pied on your last Sunday. Today Ex #1e and I tried to go out and have a normal dinner, but we failed miserably. In attempt to lighten the conversation he said, "We're going to pie you when you leave, and I am going to get you the most." This is one of the times tonight where he hated me, and I could tell by the way he said that, and I started to cry in the restaurant, at our table. "Was that too much?" He asked me and I nodded. Later on he asked me if I really loved him or if I were just lying to make this easier. The fact that he would ask me that - go for blood like that - when I cried that time I didn't wipe my eyes. I let the tears stay on my cheeks for everyone else there to see.

I know what he is doing. I played the same game when I learned about Michelle. He's asking me the questions that hurt him but that he knows will hurt me more to answer.

Tonight he said that if we make it through and wind up together later on this will sit in the back of his mind.

Hey Ex #1? There are a few things you've done that sit in the back of my mind, but I don't let them independently determine how I interact with you.
I don't throw them out as threats. This is why I am leaving.

My days have been back and forth. Ex #1 and I are still living together, still sleeping in the same room. I don't want to miss out on taking advantage of all of the things I love about him. We've been getting along really well. His new roommate is moving in already, and that is hard, but it just makes me want to get out of there more.

I almost changed my mind tonight, for a while it seemed like we could fix things. He started counseling today, and when he came home we talked and he said a lot of things he should have said months ago. If he had it might have changed everything. Instead all it did was confuse me, and I told him that, and it made me angry at him. I told him that too.

When I left the house to come up to school I called Lauren to have her remind me why I was leaving. I told her everything and she said, "I think it's great that he's working on these things, but one session isn't going to fix it. Be his friend and help him learn, and when it is all over, maybe there will be a chance for a relationship. But if it took you breaking up with him for him to see things this way, the best place for you is apart from him."

I am going to miss him so much.

Tonight we talked about how much it sucks to be an adult, and responsible for shit. After a few minutes he said, "Well, at least we get to stay up late, and watch TV. Oooh, and drink beer in bed!" And I laugh-cried because I will miss him, and I know exactly what he is talking about.

To add to my list of stresses, my car was broken into today, and the asshole stole my back pack with everything I need for papers due this week. One is due tonight at midnight, but I got an okay to turn it in tomorrow, with a copy of the police report.

There are only two things I wish I could do right now - go to sleep, and see my horse. I think I am going to go home and work on the first one.

Thank all of you who have commented, it means a lot to me. I know we all go through it, it just sucks.

Over

I got really drunk Saturday night. It was one of those "I'll just have a couple.." I stayed with my friend Kelly because we both had to work the next morning at 7 am. We went to bed after 4 am, I went to work a little drunk. I had a fight with Ex #1 at work in front of people.
I was trying to take time to think about it last night, but he couldn't wait and so I gave in and we talked and I broke up with him.

I am leaving Ex #1. I am moving back to Austin. I am breaking hearts.

I am in love with him, but I don't know if that is enough. He and I need to go on fixing ourselves before we try and fix a relationship.

Glenn Mitchell died this weekend. If you don't listen to KERA you have no idea what you missed. I cried when I heard.

I am a total nut, but a happy one today.

My day was all horsey and too boring to post about. Ex #1 and I were rockstars in interpersonal communication, and I don't think we hate each other right now. In fact I am going home because I hope he is awake so we can act like nerds some more.