September 27, 2019

Terrible seems to just be a constant hum I’ve managed to get used to. Occasionally everything else in my life gets quiet and then it’s really noticeable and I don’t get out of bed.

There are wonderful things. I love the music classes I teach. Singing and  with families releases a lot of endorphins. My garden is growing, the fall is very slowly creeping in, I finished a book for the first time in years. It only took four months.

Recently I’ve been re-assessing my impact on the planet, and I’m making an effort to figure out a way to use my car less, and bike more. If I can pull it off for a bit, I have my eye on a cargo bike that would make the hills that give my neighborhood it’s name MUCH easier to conquer.

Right now, I’m trying to figure out how to find low waste toothpaste and butter for banana muffins I started making, get some instruments to south Austin, and make elementary school pick up time. Domestic bliss.

June 20, 2019

Everything is terrible again. I was marveling at my physical response to stress and depression, today. Like my body forcing me into running from my problems, I'm exhausted. I dozed off in the time between telling Venmo to transfer to my bank, and the vibration confirming it has been sent. Aside from family members making life-reducing decisions, I have 95 lbs of peaches to process, salsa to make and two girls dresses I wanted to make before next weekend + a shashiko mending class Saturday, and sing-through of the music collection for Summer Music Together classes, and book club.

I'm just going to crawl in to bed so that I have more to worry about tomorrow.

June 9, 2019

I definitely swing wildly between feeling like I am failing spectacularly, and killing it. There doesn't seem to be any gray area.

Today? I am killing it. I have a new batch of kombucha going after months with no SCOBY, and I picked two baskets of peaches from our trees, with several more baskets worth left on the trees. I am at the end of a long solo parenting weekend and though I am tired and worn thing, we made it!

That is despite the fact that I am record level tired. I think it is because I have eaten junk for the last 24 hours. I normally eat low carb, butI decided to "live it up" while out at the lake with my Dad and ate pizza and s'mores, blueberry pancakes + other garbage. I plan to reset tomorrow. Back when I changed my diet I started by going keto. Everyone asked if I had soooo much energy, because that is what they were hearing was a great side effect. I never really noticed that as a side effect, but I also have two small children. But now? I'm thinking maybe I was feeling it. I just totally forgot the girls' music classes. Less than two hours until my husband is back home!