October 18, 2018

For the last couple of weeks everything has just required so much effort. I don’t know if it is my hormones regulating m, narcolepsy rearing it’s head, or the previously mentioned sadness. I’m falling back on screen time with the kids. I hate it, but it is better than me being a “Mean Mama.”

October 10, 2018

10-10-10

Today I've been married to my husband (previously referred to as Mr. Adventure) for eight years. I have to say, it really is one of the best things that ever happened to me. No relationship is perfect, and we're always working on it because life is constantly changing. I was so lucky to find someone who shares the outlook that it is important that we each remain individuals, and nurture our interests and creativity. We don't neglect each other - we regularly check-in, work on our individual creative projects while together and collaborate or give input, take a night off for a movie or a game, and go out on a date if we can find a sitter (but man that is hard with two kids!). We are supportive of one another, but help each other mind limits: I quit a toxic job, he stood behind my decision and encouraged me to keep looking for a new job when I got discouraged; He started playing piano and I encouraged him to keep practicing, but made him wait to buy a piano until it was clear he'd continue to play.
Right now my favorite moments include listening to him play Satie Gnossiennes while I sew, and watching him help our oldest daughter learn piano.
Chances are he won't read this. I think he quit checking my blog long ago, but I felt it needed some documentation. When everything is awful, I still have him to make waking up worth it.

October 9, 2018

CRUSHING SADNESS

In the grocery store I imagine I’m a walking meme, with the text “CRUSHING SADNESS” in a heavy font, weighing down on the crown of my head. It’s personal, it’s political, it’s global, it’s environmental, it’s all at once. I keep voting and it feels like I’m pouring an ounce of clean water into a polluted sea. The person who made me aware of my vulnerability to addiction, and who I credit with my being able to avoid falling into the Tullos Tar Pit of Addiction, seems to be getting sucked back down into it, thanks to his own CRUSHING SADNESS.
I just want to lay down where I am and never get back up. In the movie Serenity, there is a scene on a terrafomed planet where a chemical was introduced to help calm down the population. Instead of simply calming down,  a large percentage of the people just stopped. Stopped eating, speaking, interacting with loved ones. They just sat down and stopped everything until it killed them. I don’t want to die, but I feel like if I stopped and waited for the rest of the world to get its shit together, I’d be a corpse before there was any progress.