December 28, 2005

I missed Ex #1 today. That is, until I talked to him a few minutes ago.
He asked how I was feeling. He asks this every time we talk. I haven't changed much since Monday. I've been sleeping a lot and unpacking. I still feel the same. I feel like I have to have some different answer every time. Then he asked, "What about me?" I didn't know quite what he meant. "What about you?" I said. "How do I feel about you? How do you feel? Was I supposed to ask? I miss you still; I love you; I am angry with you for always asking me how I feel." That last part didn't go over so well. Why would it have gone over well? He got mad and asked what else we would talk about. I listed off things, but of course we talked about the fact that he can't talk to me instead.

I cigarette later he called me back to apologize, though he only said, "I sorry," and didn't explain what for. Only that I am 'so cold' when I talk to him. I told him about how shitty I felt after dinner with my friend last night, and he asked me if I blamed him for my poor performance at school. I said, "Yes, a little bit," because it's the truth. I have spent four years pouring my energy into that relationship. He even took some of the blame himself one day while we were smoking in the garage. Apparently he has changed his mind since then. When I tried to explain that all that time I spent with him should have been school time he said, "I never held a gun to your head!" Yeah? Well he held a relationship over it. That is not going to happen again. I know that I can do well. My grades have gotten progressively worse over the past four years. I have not been losing intelligence. I have been trying to sustain a relationship.

It just makes me want to yell and scream.

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