December 2, 2005

Ex #1 hates me, and then he loves me. He keeps saying it's not fair, I know that.

My mom said that the easy thing to do would have been to just stay there, and now I wish I had. It hurts to do this to him, to watch him writhe in pain I inflicted. He said out today that I never told him I was unhappy. I did once, about a month ago. I told him that I hated Dallas, he told me he knew I wanted to leave him. He is in denial about it, he knew I wasn't happy. But that is the only time I explicitly told him. The rest of the time it seemed like there was too much other stuff going on for it to matter. First was the preparation for Jeff and Janet's wedding, and then Janet's death, and my wreck and our new house, and then school and his job change. It always seemed like it would be a nuisance to bring it up.

He is so adamant about fixing things now that I want to believe him. I want to stay. Oh, fuck I really want to stay. I want to apologize, and cry, and tell him I was all wrong, that I was just so sad that I thought doing anything would help.

I am constantly being told that my move back to Austin is impulsive and counter productive. Why don't I just get a place with a friend? I don't have to see him... Everyone I know, including Ex #1, knows that I have always planned to return to Austin if things don't work out. Alas, they did not and I am returning.

There is this tradition at work, where you get pied on your last Sunday. Today Ex #1e and I tried to go out and have a normal dinner, but we failed miserably. In attempt to lighten the conversation he said, "We're going to pie you when you leave, and I am going to get you the most." This is one of the times tonight where he hated me, and I could tell by the way he said that, and I started to cry in the restaurant, at our table. "Was that too much?" He asked me and I nodded. Later on he asked me if I really loved him or if I were just lying to make this easier. The fact that he would ask me that - go for blood like that - when I cried that time I didn't wipe my eyes. I let the tears stay on my cheeks for everyone else there to see.

I know what he is doing. I played the same game when I learned about Michelle. He's asking me the questions that hurt him but that he knows will hurt me more to answer.

Tonight he said that if we make it through and wind up together later on this will sit in the back of his mind.

Hey Ex #1? There are a few things you've done that sit in the back of my mind, but I don't let them independently determine how I interact with you.
I don't throw them out as threats. This is why I am leaving.


Dustin said...

interesting read... :)

Anonymous said...

Oh honey. It does hurt horribly to leave somebody, and because you were the one who left it often feels like you have no right to hurt. I'm going through the same sort of thing right now. But the fact remains that you were miserable enough to do this, and it's right for you to do it; if you move back to Austin and it DOES turn out to be impulsive, then it'll probably be fixable; but if you stay in Dallas and stagnate, you'll most likely only be bitter and sad for a long time to come. I still think you're doing the right thing. I know that doesn't make it any easier. Call me when you get home, if you want. Love, E

Madge said...

Update! Update! Madge wants an update!