Fuck yesterday's euphoria - today SUCKS.

Could anything at work PLEASE GO RIGHT?

I'd like to get to eat lunch eventually. I'd like to get out of here at some point. I had hoped 5:30 so that Casey and I can get to Fort Worth at a decent time.

No, that can't happen. Today is a loss. The check signer leaves at 2, that would be about 1/2 an hour from now, and I cannot post an invoice, and I cannot get a check to print. WHOSE FAULT IS THIS? I WILL KICK THEM IN THE SHINS! WITH STEEL TOED BOOTS!

There is an apartment right in the part of town that I want to live in that is currently vacant. 1-1 with hardwood floors, walking distance of school, no weight restrictions on dogs. I first saw the ad a week or so ago and drove by the place. Today I saw it again and called. The owner Rick is nice and seems very flexible. I wasn't planning on moving until May. I don't have money for deposits. I am going to go by today and look at it anyway. At least I'll have an idea of what it is like so I can check back later to see if they have any vacancies. I could really use a winning $1,000 lottery ticket right now. It would be more than enough to get me through. I could get into the apartment and have my new bike serviced.

I haven't told you about her yet!

I was having bike trouble. I tried to asses the damages on the old bike I had, but it is fucked. After a disappointing attempt at a ride I threw it into the bed of my truck so that I could DRIVE it home and left it there. While resting the dry rot on the tires gave way and one blew. I was so over it.
I called Ellie and told her about it. She offered me her old but perfectly good bike, Chloe (Ellie, if I have misspelled it please let me know). She is a yellow 1975 Schwinn. She is so pretty! I need to get her serviced so that I can RIDE. .:sigh:.

Both situations are similarly frustrating.

What would you do?

I had agreed to ask this question for a friend, quite a while ago, and just found this while avoiding homework and organizing things over here:

My friend got a Christmas gift in the mail the other day, from an ex. Their relationship ended over two years ago, but she is still sent gifts at Christmas and her birthday. I'm not talking a gift certificate to Old Navy, either - the most recent is a rare book from the 50s, signed by the author. We're talking gifts that cost hundreds of dollars - Things that she really does want.

Does she keep them?

Does she tell her current significant other?

What would you do?

So this is what last week felt like:

It's better now.

I managed to get everything done by 4:30 today. The big ass paper, the movie watchin' and quiz taking, even a little studying prior to my afternoon exam.
Let us all turn and wave goodbye to the Fall semester. It's over! Finals are at the end of next week - time off 'til then!
So I was thinking about chillin' out, finally, when I got a call from the insurance company of the woman who hit me.

I guess that should actually be re-phrased.

Her HUSBAND'S insurance company. Funny thing is, he wasn't driving, and she is explicitly excluded from the policy. She is un-insured. (I did thank myself at this point for waiting to answer calls until after I was done with school work today.)

So I'm wondering: Can a ticket be issued retroactively? I mean, I know my insurance company is going to sue her in the end, but I'd really like to slap an extra fine on there for shits and giggles NOW. Besides, beyond it being against the law to drive without insurance or a licence, wasn't it illegal for her to present her HUSBAND'S insurance policy to the cop as if it were her own as well? I could already be half-way to a repaired car by now if I hadn't been waiting on her insurance company.

I'm thinking hate mail, too. I have her home address, and thanks to Google, I know where she works, too.

to make a bad day worse -

I really tried to be positive today despite my early early-morning panic.

At the end of the day it just isn't working for me.

I was 10 minutes late to class, but that is only five minutes later than the professor, so I wasn't too shook up about it. I was giving a presentation in class, but I had mailed my outline to the kid putting it in power point, so I was set.
Only, it didn't work out that way. Less than a fifth of what I needed made it into the power point. So, I get to look like the idiot? Partially my fault - I should have printed out my outline. I guess I was just being optimistic.

Big paper due in 2nd class - not finished. No worries, I went to the lab to work on it.

Still not finished when it came time for the quiz in the 3rd class . No time to do a once-over on the notes again ... What year WAS the UNCED Earth Summit on Sustainable Development in Rio de Janeiro?

1992. That's what I wanted to put. I only had to answer 10 of the 12 questions, so I skipped it. Now I wish I hadn't.

They watched a movie, I snuck out. It's great that the lecture hall bathroom also has a door that leads outside. GREAT!

Back to the Library.. let's see it's 11:30, I'll just hang out here in the computer lab until... 4:45. Crap, time for work.

So this bitch in a Taurus parked where no space exists behind me and blocked me in. Trust me, I tried to get out quite a few times before I was successful. I bumped the Lexus next to me in the process. I should have just plowed her Taurus. It was her fault and a the car was a P.O.S. Problem is, I like my back bumper too much. I called UTPD instead, hopefully the Taurus will get the boot! In the end, a guy helped guide me out after I pulled up 'close like a lover' to the SUV parked next to me. I had an inch and a half to get past her.

Guess who was almost out of gas?
One try.

Ooh, ooh - here is a good one - Guess who was late for work?
Right-O.

Guess who has a tire that has ridiculously low air?
That's a tricky one, huh?

This isn't even all of it!
Can you imagine what my day would have been like if I hadn't been positive as long as possible? I mean, I deserve credit for making it until almost 5pm.

Fuck today.

End of semester breakdown to begin in - no, started 6 hours ago, when I woke up at 3:30 am with more to do than one person possibly can in one day.

FUCK

PIcture me

attempting to drag myself across the floor on my elbows - immbobilzed my physical and emotional exhaustion.


That's about how I feel, but I have some muscle pain too.

How I miss that semester I took off of school!!

My last final is on the 15th - I cannot wait.

I am so sad and disturbed by this.

I am predicting my death, which will occur later this evening : homework related asphyxiation. I'll suffocate in a 6 foot deep leaf-litter of notes.

And I almost made it through NaBloPoMo! Hopefully I'll post from the afterlife tomorrow - that is, if I make it to Heaven. I know that all (my) hell is, is a bar with WiFi, accessible computers, lots of beer/booze, cigarettes and ashtrays, but no matches or lighters, and a page that never finishes loading.

Or the piece of popcorn kernel that is stuck between my teeth RIGHT NOW.

That said, check out this piece of ridiculous bull shit I was directed to by Finnegan's Wake-Up Call.

DENVER, Colorado (AP) -- A homeowners' association in southwestern Colorado
has threatened to fine a resident $25 a day until she removes a Christmas wreath
with a peace sign that some say is an anti-Iraq war protest or a symbol of
Satan.

Identity crisis.

I'm in one.

I know this because of my Adolescent Psychology class. A couple of weeks ago I wrote a reaction paper to our 'Identity' chapter. You'd be surprised how difficult it is to write about yourself. My first paper was easy. I'm a blogger, of course I can write about myself. This one was different. I knew the terms, I knew what they meant to a hypothetical subject, but I had trouble placing myself. For any person this would be difficult. After all, I have several identities: student, girlfriend, family member, waitress, etc. However, it seems that all of mine are up in the air - swapping limbs and trading clothes so that every time I review them they are different.

A nice little Wikipedia article about Erik Erikson sums up the identity crisis nicely for those of you not in an Adolescent Psychology class:

"people experience an identity crisis when they lose "a sense of personal sameness and historical continuity". "

I know who I want to be, and for the most part it hasn't changed in 10 years. I have though. I've moved farther away from my ideal self (another vocab word kids). It's maddening, confusing and I'm having a little trouble with it. I am not the person I want to be. I am disappointed with myself, and I'm not sure how I got here.

My goal in life is to make as little impact on the world as possible, and as big an impact on humanity as possible.

I am not doing either. I know, I know - I HAVE done a lot of other really important things in the last year, and maybe in the end they'll help me become who I'd like to be... but right now I just feel like shit.

I am leaving quite the "footprint" in my wake kids... it makes my stomach tight to think of how wasteful I am. I am materialistic to a disgusting point (to me) - you've seen my wish lists.

I have about as much spirituality in my body right now as I do folic acid, and I can tell you that the folic acid is below the suggested level.

I read all of Hungry Ghost last night. Even at the end of the book the protagonist is not among the most spiritual I've met, but it made me feel empty to compare myself, even though the character was pocked with flaws.

There is the idea in the book of the possible co-existence of Catholicism and Buddhism. Really, Christianity and Buddhism - details - I am not becoming a Buddhist. I am not fully embracing my Catholic roots. I have beliefs that I think may range between the two, though I'm not sure. I feel a lack of connection to any great power, and I think I need to feel that to feel better.

"What? You feel poorly?" You ask. Right, I haven't quite mentioned that yet.

I feel like I need to be silent for a week, and like I should fast. I feel like I need to be unburdened. I have so much STUFF that my hands never touch.
I feel like I need to spend a weekend out at Enchanted Rock. Hiking, sweating, camping, breathing. I need dirty hair and dirty clothes and quiet.

"simplify" was once my mantra. I'm bringing it back.