A guess the lack of writing has caught up with me. There are now about 700 things I feel like writing about.

Work was so frustrating today that it was like nails on a chalkboard to be there. To top that off I was especially un-graceful, dropping trays (at least they were empty) and sloshing tea onto tables when I re-filled glasses. I managed to talk my boss into letting me go early, and that turned the whole day around. I went and bought hair dye. Coloring my hair always makes me feel good. I guess it makes me feel feminine and pretty, even if it's always the same color. I bought nail polish too, mainly because it was there. I stopped in a the liquor store next door to look for Sofia Minis, that Madge posted about, and he sent me to another near by. It happened to be on the way to my next errand, so of course I stopped and bought some. I was so excited it rubbed off on the woman working there. Or maybe she was mocking me? Whatever.

Now I'm home, thinking about when I'll go to the farm and feed. And feeling.. guilty?

Guilty is right. I don't know if it's what I should be feeling now, but it is what it is. Here's why: About a month ago Lauren told me about this guy she knows. She had worked with him when we lived together, and had run into him again. She wanted me to meet him, because she thought we'd be great together. So of course I agreed. Things were already not looking so promising with Mr. Ambitious, no matter how hard I tried to see the ever shrinking bright side, and I was getting lonely. The way things work out today is the first day our timing has worked out. I kind of don't want to meet him now. I like what I have going, I like Mr. Adventure, and I don't want to mess it up. I'm afraid I will.

On the other hand, if he and I would be so compatible, I can't say no. God knows I need friends. That and my intense superstition tells me that he showed up in Lauren's life that day for a reason. (That looks much less intelligent on the screen that it feels.)

So I am sort of back and forth today. Up and down. Who knows what adding alcohol to the mix will do?

Shifting back to "down:" Whenever I talk to Ex #1 I always let him say whatever he needs to say. I don't defend myself, or deflect his blows, I just let him say anything. I like to think that this will be beneficial and help him through it. I am normally not bothered by what he says, I guess I feel like I deserve a lot of it. There is one thing though. He wrote me an e-mail one day, that crossed the line.
"I have had the thought pop up in my head that you should have died in the car accident and Janet should have lived. She didn't deserve it. And I would have a much nicer memory of you now."
And he ended the e-mail by telling me that he loved me?

I believe that the "celestial powers that be" made a mistake in taking Janet. But was it a mistake to leave me here? Surely I have made some sort of positive difference in someone's life in the past six months?

I re-read this sentence in my mind's eye at least once a day. It makes me feel awful, and solidifies the fact that Ex #1 and I will never get back together. I can't feel like I am in a loving relationship with someone who once wished my death.