January 13, 2005

Things I Would Have Posted Previously If I Had Internet

Last night I was thinking, "I should write this down so that I can post it when I have internet." I can't remember exactly what it was, but it was good. Ex. #1 and I went to a party last night at one of his friends houses. There I met the girl that he slept with back in high school. At the time, when a few drinks had already been consumed I thought, "This is the first girl I've met that has slept with him." I took that internal comment back this morning.

The party was great and I had fun. I love Ex. #1's friend Andrew, and watching the boys jam. Once we got home Ex. #1 said, "So, you met her?" I said yes, she had been very nice to me, even conversational. "Huh, 'cause she was like 'You brought your girlfriend?' Like we had broken up recently instead of in high school." What could I do but nod? She was being a mean girl. She was probably thinking of how much better she looked than me while we talked about how great the guys sounded and my recent move. Granted her body rocks, and she totally deserves to think that way, but she was wearing red and white stripes with navy blue and white polka-dots and baby blue heeled boots. If only I'd had my camera for Honey, No!. Sometimes I wonder if Ex. #1 thinks about me the way I do. Does he glance at me and think "What happened?" I've gained 20 lbs since we met 3 ½ years ago. Even 8 months ago I was in as good of shape as I had been when we met. I imagined him thinking those very thoughts last night as I got ready for the party. I put on the shirt I met him in and I saw him glance down towards my waist and make a face. I immediately changed, but I was self conscious all night. It probably wasn't even what was going on, he was probably thinking about something totally different, but to me it was him scowling at my size.

This morning was difficult though. I woke up and Ex. #1 was hung-over, Emma was sick and had shit on the stairs, one of the dogs had shit in the garage last night while we were playing video games, though I'm not sure which. My tire was flat, I went to apply for a job at Tower Records, and grabbed a Leonard Cohen CD that I wanted too, turns out I only have $8.70 left in my accounts. After that I went to Ex. #1's old apartment to clean it up some and found a picture of him with the other woman he dated (who I have met, so I took back the idea that the girl from last night was the first). In the picture he's kissing the side of her face. It's dated 12.24.03 and I was really suddenly very upset that he spent Christmas Eve with her. I just keep thinking I'm over it and then she pops up somehow at the worst possible time and makes me feel so insignificant. I've seen the picture before, it just never bothered me so much.

12.29.04 PART 2

I got a job! I got a job! I got a job! The day was looking not-so-hot, and now it rocks! I'll be working at the restaurant Ex. #1 caters for, but I have a job. I love the place and I am sure it will be awesome. The woman Ex. #1 dated works at one location, but chances are she'll never recognize me, only my name. Everything seems so much better now, it makes me want to get things done!

I love my job! All of the other people I work with are gay men, and it is so much more fun than working with girls.

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