November 8, 2004

I Feel Like This Deserves a Title, But I Have No Words

It's like a joke. I get put back on the Provigil to stay awake and it only works as it should for three days. After that I get my eight hours, and sleep through class all over again, like nothing has changed. HOWEVER, and this really makes me mad- as a freak occurrence (I'll elaborate why later) I got 12 hours of sleep last night. I woke up at 9:30 this morning, feeling fresh for the first time in about a year. Took the Provigil like I'm supposed to, because all I've been able to think the past few days is, "If I'm this tired while taking it, how bad would it be if I were off of it?" I am still up. I should have gone to bed 2 or 3 hours ago, but I stayed up and stared at the TV like I was stoned. I can't really remember what I watched maybe some X-Files, lots of channel surfing, but I really just stared, there was none of the usual couch sleeping. And when I need to be up in 5 hours to get the dogs from the Vet's office where I boarded them this weekend I'm gonna be pissed.
As for this weekend: I went to Dallas and lounged around most of Saturday morning while Ex. #1 worked. I mostly watched cooking shows on PBS. Then we had lunch at Breadwinners Cafe and went to go look at possible apartments. As we drove to the first property he gave me a mini-lecture about not picking it just because we liked it since it was the first one we were going to look at. It made me feel like I was going to buy a car. Then as we pulled into the parking lot he looked at me very seriously and said, "Are you sure we can afford this?" I crossed my fingers and told him that I hoped the locator hadn't made a typo on the email she sent me. What we looked at was a split-level 1/1 with a garage, and a gas fire place and a garden tub and a huge closet and a fitness center, pool, and movie theatre that backs up to a city park and lake. It's gated, new, safe and priced at the very bottom of what we were willing to pay for rent. In fact it was the cheapest listed by the locator. I AM SO EXCITED! We find out tomorrow if our application is approved and if so Ex. #1 will move in this coming week. He is the one who said, "Let's go fill out the app!" which made me laugh, but I was really glad he liked it as much as I do. To celebrate we went out for sushi and stuffed ourselves. After we walked home we watched some TV and I fell asleep on the couch about 9:30. Ex. #1 knows me so well he didn't bother to try and wake me. We woke-up once at 5:30am to hear his cat howling from downstairs. She had figured out how to get out of the window and down the side of the building, but couldn't figure out how to get back up once she was done playing. I still fell asleep again within about a minutes and a half of getting her inside.

I think that the reason I'm not sleeping is because the dogs aren't here. It makes me nervous, even with the alarm set. I'm ready to be finished living alone, even if it is part-time.

I went out a saw Faux Pas today when I got back into town. I have a very different relationship with him than I do with the dogs, but just as intense. I feel maternal towards my girls, I worry about them as if they were my own flesh, kiss them on the fore-head at bed-time, tell them I love them and when I'll return when I leave the house. Of course that may all come with living alone. But I realized tonight that I respect Faux Pas. I am in constant awe of how magnificent he is, and marvel at the fact that I think I own him. I could never accomplish that, it's like he's reminding me that I merely make suggestions, and he decides what he'll do with them. Nights like tonight, and the night of the lunar eclipse, I feel like I don't deserve him. I feel like he deserves someone who will pay more attention to him, come out to be with him more often. I try and remind myself that I spend most of the time that I would spend with him, working. I'm trying so hard to keep him, and yet I feel like I have no right to. I don't feel like I'm a good enough person for him anymore and I don't know how to fix it. Now the plans I had for him when I first move are up in the air again and I feel like I should put more thought into selling him but I promised him, and mostly myself, that I would make sure the rest of his life was better than it had been before I got him.
Something has got to happen to make this work out right.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

That is so awesome that you found the perfect place. It sounds fantastic! You know I would totally take lessons to help you keep Faux Pas if I could, but I think a 16-hour drive is just too far. I really hope it works out, I know how much you love that horse. *bises*