Lauren and I had more fun last night than I've had in a long time. It is a different kind of fun, where we can be angsty and outrageous. When I squinted last night I could have sworn Lauren was 16 again - long hair and braces. Once we had a couple of drinks last night and got really comfortable (let's face it, it has been a very long time since Lauren and I had that much time alone to goof off and be girly) she even moved differently, more like she did when we were younger. She'd draw her knees up into her chest and lean towards me to say something, and then unfold to listen to my response, maybe roll herself the opposite direction in the chair to laugh. The past couple of years she has been so still, that it was nice to see that part of her does exist. It just requires some coaxing, like Gin.

 Last night I decided that I am a much happier drunk when I drink liquor. Beer makes me physically feel different, I might even call it bad. I am definitely more inclined to  to think somber thoughts when drinking beer. I had one last night amongst the gimlets, and during that drink I found myself telling Lauren about how I tend to fixate on moments of guilt, embarrassment and shame in my life, some long past, on a daily basis.

 Despite the fact that I was generally happier last night than is usual when drinking, I still woke up this morning with some post drinking emotional funk. This will turn into the embarrassing stuff I stress over today. I am trying to keep it from becoming that, because I really don't have a reason to be embarrassed about anything I did last night. It seems the mere fact that I was drunk is enough to put a pit in my stomach. Like right now? It's making me feel nervous just thinking about it. Blegh. We had so much fun last night - I am trying to think of that aspect of it instead.