RE: West Palm Beachidelphia

Warning: Hormones not currently regulated – Unstable material within.

Last night I was honestly thinking of how I wished that I were a woman who looked right when not made up. Today I read the following at What the Duck:

Increasingly I notice there is dirt under my fingernails. Not surprisingly. I am outside a lot digging in the dirt. Truly! But it makes me think of other things. Like when I will become a woman who cares about her appearance? That means: when will I consistently wear hand lotion? I have dry hands with a lot of texture that really demand moisture. I never listen to my hands (or nails, for that matter). When I will get a hairstyle and pay for a cut, like every six weeks or whatever? When will all of my little white hairs get out of control enough for me to want to do something about them? When will I start wearing make-up? Is 27 too old to start!? Will I ever pierce my ears? Will my wardrobe ever consist of career-wear? Will I ever have a signature scent? I refer to myself a lot as a girl's girl, but I am not a woman's woman. I suck at career womanhood. I am not that woman. But I don't want to look 16 forever.

Every photo I see of Madge is beautiful. Sure, I can tell she's not wearing makeup, but she looks so radiant! Who cares if you have dirt under your nails? I usually do. I cannot keep up with all of the bullshit that goes along with being a girly-girl either. Only, I look like a 16-year-old spaz.

Let's have a few examples, shall we?
- Last week I painted my toenails red because I was wearing a dress with open toe sandals (I heard on NPR that women will subconsciously dress and make them selves up when ovulating - I believe that must have been the case for me). To do so I had to take off what was left of the polish I had on my toes from my sisters wedding in October. Yeah.
- I recently dyed my hair after a 4-month lapse. There was so much of my natural color showing that I remembered how awful it is.
- I plucked my eyebrows last night for the first time in what might be 6 months. I really have no idea when I last did that.
- As far as I can tell, the only reason I wear makeup to work is to cover the red spots on my face from acne that develops because I forget to wash off my make-up at night. I never wind up "finishing" my makeup anyway I always wind up going in without blush and looking washed out.
- I do not brush my hair.
- I do manage to moisturize my face and body (but not my feet), but only because I've recently had painfully dry skin.

I often feel that I look like the women you see wearing floral sundresses with tie-dyed socks and sandals (I would never ACTUALLY do this). This may all be self-consciousness, but I have plenty of friends I think DO pull off the realistic maintenance/natural beauty: Ellie, Tracy, Madge (Okay, I've never seen her in person), Lauren, and a girl I once knew named Margaux. Part of this stems from me having to wear professional clothes to work. I don't have the hair, make-up, or leg-shaving habits to match my clothes. In general I just feel disheveled. If I am ever wearing plain-clothes I feel clumsy looking. I think that this is all a result of the red spots on my face and the fact that my glasses dominate (and fall down) my face. Instead of seeing it as a “WHEN will I grow up?” being able to let go of superficiality and no longer trying so hard to do these thingswould be a sign of adulthood to me.
I’d like to say that I am getting right on that face washing, nail-polish wearing (or removing), daily shaving, face mask boat but I know that I won’t be able to do it. I know that I am inching toward being confident with myself. I believe that is where the real visible beauty is. I know that I feel comfortable in the clothes that I make, and those that Lauren has made for me. I was very surprised when my lil’ sis’ told me how much she loved an outfit I was wearing the other day when I felt I was really not making the grade. By the end of May my life will be much easier. Hopefully once I leave this job I enter one more casual so that I can try and find some balance with myself. And can I loose the acne already?! I mean, isn’t 12 years of zits enough? I’m ready for the wrinkles and gray hair. Bring it on!