January 20, 2006

This will be the last comment until I get off of work. This is really all I can do right now.

I talked to Sara. She is not in a nice dark room at all. She is in a make-shift room in the radiology area with 5 other women. It is loud and it is bright. She has been going through a DHE (I think that is what it is called) therapy, and it is not working at all. Neither is her anti-nausea medicine. Now that she is 17 she can't go to the pediatric neurology wing. Now that she is 17 they won't listen to my mother when she tells them that Sara is in pain and has had a bad night. Sara has to be a grown up and take on a taxing situation, one that is difficult for my mother to navigate, when she can't even get to a bathroom by herself.

I still haven't slept. I'm jumpy and will be all day. I took my mom earplugs and a sleep mask for Sara with some 7 up about 8 this morning.

I just want to help her, and it made me feel a little better. This is when she becomes my little sister. This is when I want to read her stories again. Times like this is wish I could take back all of the stupid sister stuff I've done. I was so mad at her last weekend for deciding not to go to Dallas with me. I was livid, and now I feel awful. Or even the fact that I was mad at her Tuesday for stealing my hair teasing comb (I know, it sucks that I even own one and will admit it). Last time headaches hit it took her out of school for nearly 2 months. That was exactly a year ago. How will she ever make it through college? How will my parents afford college with all of these medical bills?

Depressing. I hate being so out of control. At least in most other situations that involve Sara I have some sort of control. I am always the adult, the responsible one who makes the decisions and makes sure all of her friends get home safe.


I was reading the blog of a friend I've known for years. He was writing about what he wants to accomplish in life. It was an impressive list. He also noted that he wouldn't be able to do all of it, but that it needed to be noted.

I don't know what I want. I don't know where I want to go, or who I'd like to travel with or see. I no longer have ideas about what my future husband is like, or where I'll live. Will I live the way I always dreamed: Make as little an impact on earth as possible, a huge impact on people? I don't even know if I'll ever get back to UT. I needed to go this semester and immediately move on- to get the ball rolling. I needed to have a way to create new goals for myself. I am in a shoebox with a job from high school, the same friends (though I am glad to have them they are a rather small group), and the same place to live. Only difference now is the fact that I have more dependant pets that keep me from being able to travel.

I feel entirely hopeless today. I have to go and spend the next 10 hours pretending to like people and act genuinely interested in what they have to say. I will have to flirt with men my father's age and respond to the old woman who orders hot tea as if I think it's the best idea I've heard all day, in fact if I were sitting down I'd have some too!

If I had my way I'd drive down to town lake with Emma. Then I'd go to campus and pretend to be a student and enjoy the not-winter Texas is currently experiencing. I'd go to Kerby Lane and have a Nabil's Mid-East Feast, Metro and get an iced Vanilla Hazelnut coffee, black. Then I'd walk down s. Congress and window shop. Maybe allow a $15 purchase. Next onto Laguna Gloria to drop in on a ceramics class. My friend Margaux would miraculously be there and we would sneak off into the trees to smoke. I'd show up at Katie and Mikes for Happy Hour, and then I would go to a house I used to live in on Avery Island. I would obviously still live there, and I would open the french doors to the back yard and enjoy a night sipping beer and listening to the Buena Vista Social Club, because it always sounded so good in that house, bouncing off of the tile floors and around the vaulted ceiling. I would sleep on the couch and wake up to sun in the oak trees outside and some man I am deliriously happy to be with and who is also deliriously happy to be in my presence. I would start the whole day over again.

I apologize now for any typos. I don't have time to proof-read, I am late for work.

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