December 20, 2005

Lots of cursing these days. Sensitive readers be advised.

I just found Jennifer's MySpace account. I didn't know it existed, and I've been thinking and thinking of her. I finally called Kristy today, though it was the last thing I wanted to do, because I want to find Beck so that I don't feel like I've totally lost touch with all things Jennifer. She told me to search for him on MySpace, and when I did Jennifer was the first hit in my search. I was so surprised that my breath caught and I took a really long second look to make sure the picture was really her. It's a really beautiful picture. She was always really beautiful. I miss her so much, and I still feel so guilty about missing the last part of her life. Well, more angry than guilty. I talk to her all of the time. I don't pray anymore, like I did when I was a kid. There is no more "God, please tell Jennifer.." or Janet or anyone else. I talk directly to them, where ever I feel like it, whenever I need to. I just wish I could get some advice from her, maybe some comfort.

This is the first time I've cried all day.

I am still mad at Kristy for blowing me off at Jennifer's funeral, when she was the only person I knew, and for standing me up that night. She said today that she just wasn't ready to be around people then. Hmm? Fuck you. I needed to mourn with someone who understood the enormous loss I was feeling. How about just saying you couldn't do it? How about not waiting eight months to explain yourself. Looking back, I really regret putting so much energy into being Kristy's friend. It's pretty clear to me that she didn't give a damn about anyone but herself. It was always about what was good for Kristy, and I didn't see that until I'd invested too much.

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