November 8, 2005

I am a little less angry now. Here is what I've realized:

Money is a big issue right now. TAXES are coming up and we own a house. Specifically Ex #1 owns a house, I live there. I wasn't too worried about it, I had let him know that I was not going to be able to contribute to taxes, and that is normally the time of year when he is really busy with catering and bank$.

Then, for reasons I won't go into, Ex #1 quit his job rather abruptly. To follow that, he hated the job he took afterwards, and now he is a server, just like me. That scares me because I know how much money I make, and it's not incredible. Shit, it's hardly sufficient.

The part that makes me angry at everyone involved is that as one part of a committed couple I am now supposed to stand up and sacrifice so that he doesn't lose the house. I am having a hard time doing this without feeling like I am owed something, which I don't think is healthy or says good things about where I am in this relationship. The reason I feel it is not fair is because to me it seemed like he did not think the way I feel I should be thinking when he decided to quit, and so now I have to pay for it?

Here is how I see it:

The Q = Ex #1
Selfish = Selfish
Maybe he would get mad at me for posting it that way, but it's not very often that I so publicly admit fault, so I hope that he accepts it.
Honestly, if I could work harder, I would. But I am at max capacity as far as work load goes, and something would have to give, it would be school, and I would never make enough money to support us. If I make it through this it will mean I make some mad sacrifices, and that will make me resentful. (I am not proud of it, but I know myself pretty well. My sacrifices "statement" already reads, "Moved to Dallas, missed the last 5 months of dear friend's life, left UT education, family and friends." In truth, I tend to forget the things he has done for me, so I should not be surprised when he does not tally these.)
I am sad, and angry. I don't know what will happen, or what I want. I want to cry in public ( I am close to doing so, I am at the Library.), I want to scream. I want Ex #1 to hold me because he is my best friend and I am scared. I know that he and I are both immature. That we each have a hard time thinking about someone else when we make decisions. I don't know if it will ever be any different of if I can live like this forever. I want to go home to Austin. I want this to all fix its self.


Madge said...

I moved across the country for a boyfriend (who I still have + love) 3 some years ago. I have some of the same feelings as you write here, even though our situations are obviously different (though very similar).

Around this time of year, I always go through this "I want to move home. I want to be with family + friends. I want to be in Portland" phase. It never goes away completely. So if and how this works itself out - please, let me know your trick...

an extremely selfish girlfriend
that thinks her boyfriend
should think exactly like her,
who is linking you to her blog...

Sam said...

I love you so much that my heart hurts. I hope you find a way to be happy.