September 26, 2005

Despite my woeful post work kicked ass, I actually made some money this week. Maybe the industry is picking up again.

Closing Saturday night and opening Sunday morning though is difficult. And last night I felt like falling over come three o'clock.

Then Ex. #1 and I had this disagreement about our junk room which was, as of last night, still junky. Last we spoke of it, the goal was to have it clean by October 13th, when my dad will be in Dallas, so I have been doing a little at a time.

Hearing this as soon as I got home from work, dead tired, with a test to study for and a paper to write - I sort of exploded. Then we had this fight, and I am still not sure what Ex. #1's "side" was but all I know is that I almost broke the "no yelling" rule (it was actually going to be screaming so loud it makes you hoarse kind of yelling) that governs our fights, and he almost smoked a cigarette.

We got over it. I told him I was just stressed and tired, he offered to pay for more things. My fierce independence kept me from agreeing.

Hours into my cleaning I found myself sobbing with my face in a box of CD's.

I am a pack rat. I brought everything with me so that I wouldn't forget any of it. Now I've gotten rid of most of middle and high school, but there were things there I couldn't let go of that I knew he would never understand. There is the destroyed (as in dog chewed up) home recorded tape of my favorite old Sesame Street and Mother Goose albums. On this tape there is about 65 seconds of my grandmother, Annie Tannie, talking to me. She died when I was four, and until a few years ago I would listen to it every now and then and cry a little. Now I have this tape with the insides pulled out, mostly whole. I haven't been able to find any one who knows a way to transfer the information from the tape to another type of media, though I would pay tons of money for that - just to have her voice back - so I have just hung on to the tape. ( For a while I thought I would write Oprah. If anyone had the money, will, heart or connections to get it fixed it would be her.) Ex. #1 sees it as trash.

I spent all night crying like a teenage girl on the floor of this room. No wonder Ex. #1 says that my crazy makes him crazy.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hi. Thanks for the comment on my LJ-- not sure I'm good to talk to anybody yet but as soon as I am, I'll give you a call. Hope you're doing okay too-- it sounds rough right now. Email is always good, too. -- Ellie