Chaos: How Adulthood is Worse Pubescence

That's what the last two years have been like. I feel like I'm always complaining and making a big deal out of everything, but sometimes I'm not. Like my overwhelming feelings of being a total F* Up? I hear they're fairly universal amongst people my age, but I am sick of it.

After another rousing found of total grade anihilation I decided that I will really do something instead of talking about changing my life.

This is also after a completely unnerving conversation with Ex. #1 concerning the fact that we may not be able to afford Faux Pas. Though he is the equivalent of a luxury car payment now, when I move our friends said that we can keep him on their land for free, in exchange for their being able to ride him (double bonus) which greatly reduces the cost of horse ownership, by about $400/month. However it's making it to December, and getting him to Dallas that will be difficult.

I was about to leave to go and see Faux Pas when Ex. #1 called. I knew I had possibly ruined this Summer session, I could already hear my mother's voice in my ears (It sounds like that ringing noise that comes with Tinnitus), and I could see my dad putting away his contributions to my school funds so I was going to go and talk to Faux Pas and cry and do what ever needed to be done to make it through the day. That's why I have him, he's my therapy (Ex. #1 pointed out that a licensed therapist would cost less per month. Thanks a lot). So then I was a real mess. Wisely, Ex. #1 and I decided that it was not the time to finish the conversation, or to make any decisions. He only wanted me to realize that something in my life needed to give before I do. If it is work there is a chance that Faux Pas will follow that. I went out to the farm in tears, but determined to do what I had planned, and had a very long talk with Judy (the owner of the farm) about my different options. Thankfully she seemed to agree that since Faux Pas doesn't get much work he should be fine on just grass, so that I wouldn't have to ask our friends to do much. So right now it doesn't seem that my life as a horse owner is over, though if I should have to get rid of him I will be beyond heart broken. It would make me feel as if I hadn't loved Faux Pas enough. I swore I would be with him until he died, so I could always know that he was OK, and that he will pass on comfortably and I can't do that if he's in someone else's care. Unbelievably, I would be more comfortable with him dying; at least I have no control over that.

SO, I'm looking for another job. Fairly immediately. I am back to being afraid to check my email for fear I don't get a positive response to the email I sent to my Professor yesterday. I already called Jennifer, my old manger who is now at AVEDA to see if she needed anyone. She said 15 hrs/week. Perfect? Possibly. I've also played with the idea of going back to the restaurant. Working 3-4 nights a week. I would be miserable because I hate Tony, but I would be closer to home and I would sleep at night and have time for other things, like Faux Pas. Whether or not I have to get rid of him the amount of attention he is currently getting from me is not enough.

Even I am tired of screwing up. I thought that the prospect of moving to Dallas would keep me in line, but it hasn't. Now I have to wonder if I will be able to raise my GPA enough to get into the Masters program I wanted. Do I still want that? I'm starting to wonder if adulthood is worse that puberty. Right now it seems as if it is.