May 1, 2005

A year ago a good friend of mine ended her chemo therapy. In December new cancer was found. Thursday she died.
I didn't cry when Marc died - it confused me and it did make me sad, but I felt so far removed from the Marc I had known that I didn't cry. Jennifer got sick again right after I moved to Dallas. I never got to go and see her, which might be better for me and how I grieve, but she should have had hundreds of people around her while she suffered letting her know what an incredible and loved person she was. I feel bad about that, and it's nothing I can change. I thought of her all of the time, just last week I was telling my manager about the awesome red wig she bought when she lost her hair. On my way home last night I sobbed uncontrollably.
Jennifer was so energetic, and happy all of the time. Once while she was on chemo and I was dealing with my own depression I was telling her how hard it was to get myself going every day, and she told me basically to embrace it, not to try and avoid crying about it. She told me that she cried everyday from the moment she woke up until she got out of the shower, but that by doing it that way she got through the day.
Even her appearance was energetic - big blue eyes, big black hair, shockingly pale skin, like Snow White.
I found out on my way to work yesterday. After my shift I sat around and had way too much to drink while I talked to my co-workers. We had a really beautiful conversation about her that I can't remember now, and I feel just as bad as I did last night, plus a little dizzy.

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