While Contradictions Are In Order...

Alex--my audience, you are right. As I was standing outside later that night I realized that maybe it wasn't always, maybe it was just how I spend most of my time, or where.

The good words I was looking for? I found them outside while I was smoking a cigarette, but they dissipated before I got in. I was going to talk about this previous written flaw, about how excited I was to get there, but once I got there everything would slow down and speed up at the same time. Just as I suspected everything slowed down and I didn't do anything all weekend, and everything sped up and it was over way before I thought necessary.

Things happened just like I said they would, he played video games, I slept, I tried to play one that is sort of like monopoly (in a very very weird way) with him but fell asleep while playing and he laughed at me, which woke me up and I finished the game.


I did realize that night while I as smoking that I am incredibly anxious to get somewhere- physically. Alex you got to move to a different state. Tracey got to go home, which is where she wanted to be, so I'm just waiting for something. At first I thought that if I kept changing little things in my life it would fix my problems and the feeling of stagnating would go away. All it really did is help me get rid of a bunch of crap I had been hoarding for years, and get me out of a couple shitty living situations. It was good since it made me realize I needed Ex. #1, but DAMN I need a real change. I'm so envious of those of you who can decide to move and don't have things like a horse and a family obligation to graduate from the University of Texas (or maybe you've already fulfilled a similar obligation) to keep you from feeling weighed down and foggy headed or like a June Bug against a window - that light is so close - SLAM!

I have to wait 6 mo. until I get to move. Two weeks has crawled by since I decided to do this. My life is a spinning hamster wheel where I'll never not owe someone money and time will never flow at the correct speed. Doesn't life get over whelming?

So, what have I decided about the lack of feeling? Emotion is there, there is just little passion for things in my immediate surroundings? I guess that would be a sufficient definition. Most of what I feel is frustration and impatience, and that is by no means satisfying. New definition: The emotions I experience here in Austin are dissatisfying.

I feel like a nut.