So, I'm a Horrible Person.
I resent how negative I am sometimes (funny!). I am very negative towards myself, and I tend to be very critical of other people as well. I wish that this were not the case, but it is a very difficult habit to break, since it is so internal.
I say this because of one of the security guards I work with. I know he means well, but his personality and mannerisms bother me so much that I sometimes wish that I didn't have to come to work just because he is here.
He updates me about every half hour or fifteen minutes, depending on whether or not he is inside or outside.
"I'm headin' up on the floors," or "I'ma do my rounds outside now." Great, I know where you'll be, and though that's important I know that you have a radio if I need you that I can use to get in touch with you, and vise versa. It gets worse though, "I'ma step over here and drink my soda 'fore I head up on the floors," and "You mind if while I'm doin' my rounds outside I catch a bite to eat at my car, you know I haven't eatin' all night." You see, I don't care what he does. I'm trying to do my own thing so that I can finish reports and get online and shop and play with my blog and I can't do that while he's talking to me, I'm just not good at multi-tasking. I don't need to know every intimate detail of his night because it's not like I'm going to tell anyone he ate a bag of chips while he did his outside rounds, or that he sat down to have a soda before he went up to check out the floors.
And yes, there is still more. I believe that my dear security guard has Turrets syndrome. While this does not make one a bad person, I once dated a boy with Turrets, and now the traits grate on my nerves. He walks a little stooped over, with a slight limp, and his head tilted to the left like he's trying to crack the joints in his neck. There is a slight twitch here occasionally. He talks to himself at a low mutter constantly (this is not attractive on any person/age), and sometimes blurts out things like "shut up!" If he is not talking to himself he is whistling. (Just now he pulled out a bell cart said, "That's for the papers," (it is EVERY MORNING) and then said, "I'll be right back, I'm goin' on the floors." I bet if I had only watched the whole thing happen I would have been able to figure out what was going on -- without any words being passed.)
He just did it again, he said, "I'll start passin' these out on the 6th floor like I normally do." What does that matter to me? I'll still be behind this desk, and if a guest were to say that he had no received a paper I would ask what room he was from and explain that we work our way down the floors. This will never change.
I know that it sounds stupid and immature of me to begrudge this man just because of WHO he is, but I can hardly make it through a whole shift with him here.
Any suggestions on how to stop being a horrible, mean person, so that maybe I can have a peaceful night here?
2 comments:
With not knowing anything about you other than your blogs, I would say it's hard to provide concrete instructions on how be a "better person". Would you want this sort of advice from strangers anyways?
Since I seem to fit the description of "internet stranger whom will never meet you in real life... ever" I would think that you should determine what needs to change by looking at your relationships with your family and close friends. How do they react to your behavior? Think about that long and hard, and see if you can pick up any sense of their disapproval.
Just because there is this one guy at work (who may be reading your blog as you read this) that you don't particularly care for, doesn't mean that you are truly a bad person. Heck, there are plenty people at work that I don't care for, but I'll never go out of my way to tell them that. Ultimately, I guess it doesn't matter, because this guy isn't the guy that you come home to every night.
Good luck with your writing, and your co-workers.
Of course you must realize he is not the only one who falls victim to my poison thoughts. I do, almost anyone who walks by me, sometimes I'm even negative about my horse not being up to par--I don't even show, nor does anyone else I ride with, these sorts of things should not matter. In general I'd like to find a way to wipe out about 80% of my really negative thoughts.
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