Thinking about "getting back to normal"

 As I have for the last 10 months, I was day dreaming about what life will be back when things are "back to normal" when I realized that it will never happen. If we'd only had to stay home for a month or two, I could have returned to my normal afterward, but too much has changed for me to go back to it. At the start of the pandemic, I had a 3 1/2 year old and 5 year old child. By the time we return to school (I don't think it will be until the fall, given how well the vaccination campaigns are going), my youngest will be almost 5 years old.  The differences between 3.5 year olds and 5 year olds are immense. I'll also have had both kids with me nearly 24/7 for over a year. I suspect there will be quite a bit of separation anxiety the first months back to school. The girl's reactions to me returning home from errands are already magnified ten fold. You'd think a trip to pick up curbside took days, not 45 minutes. 

I admire anyone who has been able to keep screen time to a minimum with their children. I have not. I actively work to get us outside each day, and we are keeping track of it with a goal of 1000 hours outside in 2021, but that is only about 3 hours a day. Inside my house is a scale, the less time spent with a screen, the bigger the mess. The bigger the mess, the more time I spend dealing with it, rather than focusing on them. To get the time to focus on the mess.... I need for them to have screen time. I'm sorry: I selfishly keep as much of my evening time to myself for creative work to keep my from losing my fucking mind. My kids aren't the only ones isolated, after all. 

But I'm also supposed to be nurturing my relationship with my husband right now? Several years ago there was an article that wrung true: Work, Sleep, Family, Fitness, or Friends: Pick 3 , only in this new climate I can only pick two, and "Peace" needs to be added to that list. The amount of mess in my house absolutely effects my mental clarity. Things have been mentally foggy over here since April. 

It feels like I should offer some resolution in my final paragraph, but there is none in sight.