Very bad beginning..

Though I don't usually broadcast this sort of stuff to the world, I just can't look past the fact that one of the first things to happen to me in 2008 was my period. That has got to mean something, though I can't decide if it is something good, or something bad. My first inclination is to assume it means something bad because it just flat out sucks. However, there could be something nice and symbolic about shedding the lining of your uterus at the beginning of a new year... starting over fresh? Yeah, I'm having trouble buying it too.

After that it was all work suckage. One of the day receptionist has been hospitalized because of diverticulitis, and has been / will be out for four, six, maybe eight weeks? I wish I'd never learned how to operate a multi-line phone system, because I am the default choice when she is gone. I am not getting anything done, which might be a relaxing break, except that she is ALWAYS sick. In the past three months she had surgery on her hand that put her out for a week, and then multiple follow up appointments to check on it, she had some sort of bronchitis upper respiratory thing  that put her out for a week or so, and now... I have been falling more and more behind with each of her illnesses. Soon I will start getting ill because of the stress in my life, and then where will we be?

So this leads up to yesterday's problem: I am way behind, and can't get anything done. Especially one of our most confusing vendors, who I am now approximately three months late paying. They cut us off so that we couldn't buy any more parts on Thursday, so at 9am I started trying to figure out why I couldn't get it to balance. I worked on it for 15 hours, at which point my boss did some checking up on me. I old her where we were I she told me to go into the system and cancel all I had done. She said we would just make an adjustment to the account and pay them in full. I wanted to cry, but did exactly as she asked, and when she asked, "Now don't you feel better that it is over?" I sorta lost it.

Of course I don't feel better now that it is over! I didn't accomplish anything, and I have a list of ten vendors I have to call back. I wasted a day and a half on that when you could have just fixed it from the beginning. I worked eleven hours yesterday because of that! I am so fucking far behind I can't see my desk and we're trying to close the month and the year and you just had me waste my time on that shit (etc.)!

I left at five thirty since I have to be back today any way. If I don't go in they'll find I've hung myself near the copier come Monday morning, I'll be so behind.

So last night I just wanted to go and chill with Casey. Sit around "and do nothing, 'cause it's just what you must do and nobody does it anymore." (Fiona Apple) I botched that too. We decided to go get food, and run by WalMart because I needed a small book shelf. He got some stuff to cover his windows and temporarily deal with the draft they let in. Turns out that the double stick tape that came with the kit pretty much sucks, and he got pissed off and kicked or threw something down. 

So I yelled at him.

We've been together nearly two years and NOW I start yelling? What kind of bitch am I? It was the first time I've done it and I feel like shit. I thought maybe I should just leave, and lock myself in my apartment - not come back until I can act like a normal human being. I did the closest thing I could think of instead: I curled up into a ball on the couch and pout-ily went to sleep.

I suck.

If I were at some sort of New Year pep-rally I would have a banner that read, "Oh, great... it's two thousand fucking eight." Or something like that.